Reality Shift
“Resilience is the capacity to face reality, and to act according to the data that you see in front of you.”
— Bessel van der Kolk
In my book, Cracked Open, I recount the moment I realized I could change my mind. It sounds small, doesn’t it? A mere shift in thought. But for me, it was seismic. I had spent years trapped in a system of certainty—a system that told me what was right, what was wrong, and how I needed to live to belong. Certainty became my safety net, a cocoon I wrapped around myself to keep the unknown at bay.
But that cocoon had become a cage.
I remember the moment of clarity vividly: I was driving on the Mass Pike, grappling with the tension between my lived reality and the truths I was told to accept. The facts in front of me—the harm to myself, the strain on my children, the disconnect between my beliefs and my experience—were undeniable. For the first time, I allowed myself to pause and truly see. And in seeing, I understood: I could choose differently.
Our brains are wired to protect us. When faced with painful or confusing realities, our minds often distort what we see to shield us from discomfort. These distortions—like denial, rationalization, or selective perception—serve as psychological armor.
For me, this armor was built on certainty. Certainty about my role, my relationships, my faith, and what I needed to do to survive. This certainty kept me safe for a time, but it also blinded me to the growing cracks in my world.
These distortions don’t arise from weakness but from survival. They are the brain’s way of saying, You can’t handle this right now. But resilience requires us to step back, look beyond the distortion, and confront the raw, often painful truth in front of us.
Even when new information challenges our beliefs or behaviors, we often resist change. Why?
Fear of Loss: Change often means leaving something behind—a belief, a relationship, or a sense of identity.
Cognitive Dissonance: It’s hard to reconcile new data with deeply held beliefs, so we default to rejecting the data.
Comfort in Familiarity: Even when a situation is harmful, it can feel safer than venturing into the unknown.
Recognizing reality is only the first step. Acting according to new information requires courage, vulnerability, and trust in oneself. Here are a few strategies that helped me—and can help you—build resilience:
Pause and Observe
Give yourself time to sit with new information. Don’t rush to dismiss or accept it. Ask yourself: What am I seeing? What feels true, even if it’s uncomfortable?Identify Distortions
Notice when your brain tries to protect you through denial or rationalization. Acknowledge these patterns without judgment and gently challenge them.Seek Support
Surround yourself with people who can help you process reality with clarity. Therapists, trusted friends, or mentors can provide perspective when you’re too close to the situation.Experiment with Small Changes
Acting on new data doesn’t always require a leap. Start with small, manageable steps toward change. Each step builds confidence and reinforces your capacity for resilience.Embrace Pain as a Teacher
Pain isn’t the enemy; it’s a signal. When something hurts, ask yourself: What is this pain trying to tell me? What needs to change?
Every day, we’re presented with new data—facts that challenge our beliefs, experiences that stretch our understanding, and moments that invite us to grow. Resilience isn’t about certainty or perfection; it’s about staying open to these moments, facing reality as it is, and choosing to act in alignment with the truth we uncover.
In Cracked Open, I share how the pain of confronting my distorted reality ultimately freed me. It wasn’t easy, but it was transformative. Each step—each decision to face reality and act accordingly—built a resilience I didn’t know I had.
The same resilience is available to you. Start by facing the data in front of you, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Trust that even the hardest truths can lead to growth and freedom. When you do, you’ll find the strength not just to survive but to thrive.
