I changed my mind
In some external spaces, this act is forbidden, deemed unacceptable, and even regarded as an act of betrayal.
However, within our inner spaces, this is difficult work with the potential for profound transformation.
A few years ago, I started thinking of possibility. I began to dream of a different world. I dared to imagine life could be different. I was involved a system that taught certainty meant safety, yet in reality, it gave power for a select few and oppression for most.
I entered the system looking for safety after a life altering traumatic event. I wanted someone to tell me how to BE so I could stay safe. Eventually, I needed to rules to safeguard my children from the big bad world out there. This translated into a state of hypervigilance. I lost the ability to stand up for myself. I didn’t have boundaries. Speaking up or participating in organizational meetings was actively discouraged. I was told not to be a “puny woman”, nor to aspire to be like Wonder Woman. Instead, I was expected to embody a submissive woman. I lost myself; my good, true self. The only one designed to show up in the world with my ideas, creations, thoughts.
Over two decades later, I began to ask questions. The answers I received left me puzzled, like a curious puppy cocking its head from one side to the other. These answers didn’t quite make sense. At the same time, these answers had become hard wired into my being.
Challenging the system was an uncomfortable experience to say the least. My entire being had resonated with their doctrine and my very cells were programed follow their teachings. It was terrifying to think I would choose to loose connection; I had belonged in this place.
My questioning the system was considered blasphemous by their standards. Maybe I was misfiring? Maybe I was “tilted” or “misaligned”. Or perhaps I was being influenced elsewhere. Whatever it or I was, was not tolerated. I was given an ultimatum: conform to their certainties or leave.
So, the first thing I changed my mind about was:
I CAN CHANGE MY MIND!
It was like indulging in a French dessert buffet with butter in the shape of tootsie rolls. I began to explore more possibilities and areas where I wanted to think and act differently. And it was really, really hard work.
Our bodies are designed for ALIGNMENT. The centers of our being - the head, heart, and gut all house neurons (actual brain cells). They all THINK and inform us about the world around us.
For decades, I had been out of alignment, betraying myself. My mind was programmed to think one direction. My heart was weak, and stifled because “trusting your emotions was not wise.” My gut was completely “washed”. I started to practice stillness, listening to my body. Was I actually unsafe? Or was I feeling uncomfortable as I challenged old belief systems? Could I lean into the discomfort for a moment and imagine something different? I began to trust myself and my inherent design. And then I began to act on what I believed might be true.
Because I realized I could change my mind, I concluded I could also change my behaviors. Like trying on a new outfit, I could experiment with new behaviors; keeping the tags on in case they didn’t suit me. What I found was freedom. Flexibility. Complexity.
I found that changing my mind allowed me to live!
The world needs me and you to show up with our aligned true selves. Let’s do the work to lead with strength and bravery.
