When Shame Speaks Loudest: Learning to Listen Differently
We’ve all felt it—that sinking, burning, gut-twisting sensation that seems to shrink us from the inside out. That voice that says, “What is wrong with me?” rather than “I made a mistake.” That feeling is shame.
Shame is not just an emotion. It’s a full-body experience. It’s a distortion of the truth that tells us we are not enough, not worthy, not lovable. And unlike guilt—which can be a healthy moral compass—shame attacks our identity.
Let’s get clear:
Guilt says, “I did something wrong.”
Shame says, “I am something wrong.”
Guilt can motivate us to make things right. Shame leaves us paralyzed, disconnected, and believing we are unworthy of love or belonging.
This difference became vividly real to me the morning my 16-year-old daughter proudly showed me her shiny new driver’s license—and later that same week, backed into our neighbor’s car.
First came guilt: “Oh no! I can’t believe I did this. I’m so sorry. I’ll pay for the damage.”
Then shame crept in: “I’m so stupid. What’s wrong with me? I’m a terrible person.”
Her body shrank. Her face flushed. Her eyes filled. I saw her move from a sense of I made a mistake to I am a mistake—and I knew we were no longer talking about a dented bumper.
So I reminded her: “Accidents happen. This is why Arnold Schwarzenegger sells insurance.” But more importantly, I reminded her of who she is—not what she did.
Because shame is not a necessary part of the human experience. Guilt? Sure. Responsibility? Absolutely. But shame? Shame is a lie that corrodes our sense of self.
As I write in Cracked Open:
“We are physically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and belonging. Connection, along with love and belonging, is why we are here, and it gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”
Shame is the fear of disconnection. It’s the fear that something we’ve done—or failed to do—makes us unworthy of that love and connection. As Brené Brown puts it, shame is “the fear that we are not good enough for belonging.”
When we believe we don't belong, the deepest part of our survival brain goes into panic mode. If we are cast out, rejected, or abandoned, our nervous system interprets that as danger. Because belonging isn’t just emotional—it’s existential.
Shame triggers a flood of physical responses:
Tightness in the chest or gut
Muscles that tense or curl inward
A racing heart
Nausea or stomach distress
A desire to hide, disappear, or run
And neuroscience confirms it: the pain of shame lights up the same parts of the brain as physical injury. Emotions can hurt—and shame hurts like hell.
Shame thrives in secrecy and silence. But it loses power when we name it, examine it, and speak truth over it.
Here are three ways to begin:
1. Name It to Tame It
Say it out loud (to yourself or a trusted other): “I’m feeling shame.” Call it what it is. Don’t let it sneak in as fact. Labeling the emotion begins to separate you from the voice of shame.
2. Remind Yourself of What’s True
You are not your worst mistake. You are not what someone said about you. You are not broken. Repeat truths: “I am still worthy of love.” “This doesn’t define me.” “I am growing, learning, and human.”
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to your child or best friend. Be gentle. Shame says, “You’re the only one.”Compassion says, “You’re not alone, and you’re still loved.”
Shame may try to convince us that we’re unworthy of love and belonging—but it’s wrong. The truth is: your worth is not up for debate. You were born with it.
You deserve connection. You deserve compassion. And you deserve to walk through this life without the weight of shame on your shoulders.
Let’s keep reminding each other.
