Trigger Warning!!!

I began to walk faster and then even faster on the paved trail, passing pedestrians, bikers, roller skaters, loungers, and unhoused folks. Pretty soon it felt like my feet were no longer on the ground,I was unaware of where I was, my heart was beating fast (some from fear and some from walking faster and faster), and I was getting flushed from the inside out. My line of vision narrowed and I was consumed with the story that was making its way into my mind, as it was a transparency to much of my own experience. I lost sight of the present and began revisiting memories of people and places that aligned with the story I was listening to. All of my “minds” were being affected - thinking, feeling and acting - and they definitely were not aligned nor behaving in beneficial ways for high functioning. 

The podcast host warned me. She said this episode contained difficult content and was emotionally charged, not only around sexual assault but also around the guest’s brave vulnerability, harrowing experience in the aftermath of being a whistle blower, and the public scrutiny she faced. 

She also said this podcast was a beautiful reminder for us to connect, share, and empower each other to share our stories in order to fight against injustice.  

I was stuck on the difficult content part of the podcast. It brought up my past trauma and painful memories of sexual assault, being dismissed and not believed. Being objectified, called “arm candy”, and given no opportunity for justice was causing pain in my cells. And the worst part of it was that I was told I wasn’t believed. 

As it was, my body and brain interpreted the discussion and story about assault and unbelief from others (and the injustice of that) as immediate threats, leading me to emotional and physical responses as if I were reliving the trauma. Turns out, this is a protective mechanism designed to keep me safe, even though it is distressing. 

Familiar. I knew what this was as I had been here before in my body; or actually not in my body. As I “floated” on the trail, I recognized this psychological response where I was disconnected from my thoughts, feelings, memories, and sense of identity. It was my brain’s way of coping and involves the amygdala (the brain's alarm system) and the prefrontal cortex (responsible for reasoning and decision-making). When overwhelmed, our amygdala can override the prefrontal cortex, leading to dissociation as a way to manage intense emotions or memories.

I took some deep breaths, slowed my walking pace, tried to focus on my senses;  I smelled freshly baked bread as I passed the bakery, I sensed the warmth of the sun on my face, I saw a rainbow of wildflowers beginning to bloom, I heard the traffic of the city and the laughter of the couple trying to tandem bike. 

Then I got angry. I was tired of this story. “Please take it away,” I silently screamed at God, “I don’t want this to be my story anymore.” I am tired of being triggered. Unfortunately, it IS my story. And I can step into my power, ownership, identity, and resilience to leverage that energy towards something good. 

Tuning back into the podcast, I found myself nodding to the woman’s experience with renewed fervor, snapping with agreement, and punching the air as a fellow sister of justice. Her story hit national headlines, she is still threatened and needs security detail, and daily faces fear of retribution. Her bravery of whistleblowing in the face of systemic injustice and abuse gives me the fortitude to continue on. We are connected at a deep soul level. 

I have found that using my voice to speak about my experiences with sexual assault and systemic abuse is an incredibly brave and empowering act. It demonstrates strength and courage, as sharing my story has helped me reclaim my power and control. It also has contributed to raising awareness and supporting others who might be going through similar situations.

Learning the signs of triggers, understanding their purpose, and leaning into the energy to achieve a positive result takes time and is well worth the effort. As I have become more aware of the specific things that send me off course (or floating in the air), I have learned how to ground myself, ask for help, and be compassionate with myself. By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we create a network of strength that not only aids in our personal healing but also fosters a community where others can find solace and empowerment.