Sonder

I recently came across a word that stopped me in my tracks: sonder. I first heard about it from Adam Grant, a well-known organizational psychologist and thought leader. He described it as “the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.” Suddenly, the world around me seemed to shift. Sonder is the awareness that everyone has a story — just as intricate, painful, joyous, and layered as mine or yours.

At its core, sonder is about recognizing the full humanity of others. It’s understanding that the person next to us, in line at the coffee shop or on the freeway, has a life full of loves, losses, dreams, and struggles. They aren’t merely extras in our story; they’re protagonists in their own.

As a result, I am paying closer attention to people around me. I remember being in a grocery store, standing behind an elderly man with his cart full of produce. Normally, I would have been impatient, mentally running through my to-do list. But in that moment, I wondered about him — about the years that had brought him to this grocery aisle, his memories, and the life he’d lived. It felt like I could almost see the story etched in his face: moments of hardship, resilience, and love. It changed how I felt about that entire experience.

Why is it that someone else’s story can impact us so deeply? The answer, I think, lies in the common thread of suffering and joy that weaves through all our lives. Each person around us has known hurt, just as they have known hope. These experiences create a shared human connection. When we recognize this, we start to see ourselves in others, realizing that while our experiences differ, the emotions we feel are universal.

Sonder naturally leads us to empathy. If sonder is the recognition of others’ complexity, empathy is the response to it. Psychologist and researcher Brené Brown defines empathy as “feeling with people” — it’s not about having all the answers but rather being present with someone else’s experience.

Empathy involves understanding others’ feelings and perspectives, recognizing that their emotions are valid even if we don’t fully understand them. When we empathize, we step outside of our own experience and see the world through someone else’s eyes. It’s a practice of putting aside our judgments, silencing our inner critic, and listening with our hearts.

One of the most humbling moments of sonder for me came while working with a colleague who had a drastically different personality and work style. Initially, I struggled to connect with them and couldn’t understand their approach. But when I paused to consider that this person had an entire history and unique story informing their actions, it shifted my view entirely. I started seeing them not as a difficult colleague but as a person with their own experiences, struggles, and strengths.

By practicing empathy — choosing to listen rather than judge, and seeking to understand rather than correct — I found common ground. We weren’t simply coworkers in our own worlds; we were two people navigating our own challenges and working together. Through empathy and the lens of sonder, I learned to appreciate their perspective AND I found value in how they showed up.

So, next time you’re in a crowded place, try looking around with sonder in mind. Notice the people you see every day, and remind yourself that they have joys, heartbreaks, fears, and triumphs just like you. It might just be the first step toward a more compassionate and connected world.