Letting Go

In his timeless poem On Children, Kahlil Gibran reframes parenting in a way that’s both profound and unsettling. He reminds us that, "Your children are not your children… They come through you but not from you." Gibran’s words hint at something radically freeing: our children are individuals, souls on their own journey, with their own path and purpose.

But as parents, we often view our children as extensions of ourselves. For a long time, I did too. I wanted them to be like me, to succeed in ways that were meaningful to me, and, as I now see, to validate my own sense of self. When they struggled to fit the mold I’d unintentionally created, they felt they could never measure up, and I felt disappointment—mostly in myself. It’s a painful realization that I’ve tried to find myself in them rather than learning who they truly are.

This realization pushed me to reflect on Proverbs 22:6 in the Hebrew translation: "Train up a child in that they are, and when they are old, they will not depart from it." In Hebrew, this verse focuses on helping children follow their unique way, not ours. It dawned on me that my children always have been on their own journey. By holding tight to my expectations, I was trying to steer them down a path that wasn’t theirs.

Recognizing this brought an intense feeling of dissonance. I had to confront my own expectations and admit that, in trying to protect and guide, I’d caused them pain. I’d let my hopes become a burden rather than a support.

Sitting in this discomfort was hard but powerful. Accepting my role in their struggles allowed us to have open conversations, leading to a new depth in our relationship. I came to see that my children, like me, have their own unique way of seeing and experiencing the world. They make their own meaning from our life together, just as I do. And in this beautiful complexity, no one is right or wrong. We just are.

Tips for Letting Go, Changing Your Mind, and Embracing the Discomfort

1. Embrace the Discomfort of Changing Your Mind

Letting go of preconceived ideas is like shedding old skin—it feels raw and unfamiliar. Allow yourself to sit with this discomfort. Give yourself the grace to change your mind without judgment, recognizing that growth often comes from these uncomfortable places. You may feel an urge to return to the comfort of old beliefs, but stay open to the insight that change brings.

2. See Them for Who They Are, Not Who You Want Them to Be

Take time to learn your children’s unique personalities, strengths, and gifts. Observe, listen, and appreciate them as individuals, not extensions of you. In Gibran’s words, “You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.” They don’t need to become who we hoped to be—they need to become themselves.

3. Create Space for Mutual Growth

Letting go doesn’t mean stepping back; it means stepping forward with a new perspective. Approach your relationship with curiosity rather than expectation. When we embrace our children’s individuality, they feel free to share their thoughts and dreams without fear of disappointing us. This creates space for mutual growth and understanding. As the poem says, “You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.” Trust the path they’re on.

As you embrace this mental shift, you’ll see changes not just in your children but in yourself. By letting go of narrow expectations, you’ll foster deeper relationships and a sense of freedom, both for you and for them. We each see the world through a unique lens, and honoring that lens, both ours and theirs, brings greater empathy and acceptance.

________________

On Children

By Kahlil Gibran

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.