Belonging Changed Me

I thought I found it. But lost myself in it.

I fear not finding it. And losing others as I isolate.

I long for it. For understanding and acceptance.

As I result, I run back to the beginning. The familiar. The first belonging; the one that consumed me. 

I fear that again. It chewed me up and swallowed me. Then spit me out. And I loop.

I have honest reasons to isolate.

That hurt. I don’t want that again. 

I feebly try. I step out. I fall.

I fear again. 

If I tell you what really happened, and share who I really am, (not the version of what was acceptable and submissive in your world) will you humiliate me, gesture at the doors, and tell me to close it on my way out? As I misstep and tumble backwards down the stairs, will it be my honesty that leaves me with gaping open wounds and abrasions?  

I am careening on the gravel path headed in your wrong direction.

Please, I can’t survive on my own. And I don’t know where to go. Do you see my plight? Do you care? 

The pain changed me. Made me look deeper. Made me dive into myself. I see my own resources offered there-freely and non-judgementally. I learn them. I accept them. I challenge them. I love them. I continue to change.

I belong to myself. I find joy, brilliance, resilience and love. Yet wobble as I wonder where the others are.

Tomorrow, I’ll stand a little taller. I will reflect on my survival. I’ll recognize my ability to make decisions for myself. I’ll begin to own my life. I’ll challenge the beliefs-well worn into the superhighways of my brain. 

Tomorrow, I will get out of bed every day. I will learn me. My desires. My quirks. My ways. 

Tomorrow, I will breathe, walk, stretch, laugh, cry.

Tomorrow, I will begin to walk again. Left, right, left, right. Round and round. Learning, listening, paying attention, considering.

Tomorrow, I will heal. Little my little, I will figure it out.

Tomorrow, I’ll speak. And tell my story. 

Tomorrow, I”ll stand. Taller. I’ll show up. And offer my hands, ears, and heart. I’m your ally.

Today, I’ll fight. For justice. For love. For humanity.

Belonging changed me.